One of the most powerful things about placing a baby for adoption is something many women don’t realize until they’re actually in the process: you get to choose the family.
Not an agency. Not a judge. Not a computer matching system. You.
For many expectant mothers, this is the piece of information that changes everything. The idea of adoption can feel overwhelming and out of your control — until you understand that one of the most important decisions in the entire process belongs entirely to you. You will look at real families. You will read their stories. You will get a sense of who they are, what their lives look like, and what kind of home your child would grow up in. And then you will choose.
This post walks you through how choosing an adoptive family actually works, what to look for, what questions to ask yourself, and how to trust your instincts when you find the right fit.
Why This Decision Is Yours
Before getting into the practical side of choosing a family, it’s worth sitting with this for a moment.
In a world where so much of an unplanned pregnancy can feel like it’s happening to you — like you’ve lost control of your own story — the family selection process is different. It is one of the most deliberate, intentional decisions you will make. Nobody rushes you. Nobody overrides your choice. Nobody tells you a family is “assigned” to your baby.
At Open Arms, you are in control of this decision from start to finish. That’s not a talking point — it’s how the process actually works. You review family profiles at your own pace, you ask questions, you take your time, and when you feel ready, you choose. If something doesn’t feel right about a family, you keep looking. There’s no pressure, and there’s no wrong answer.
What Is a Family Profile?
A family profile — sometimes called a Dear Birth Mother letter or adoptive family profile — is how prospective adoptive families introduce themselves to expectant mothers.
A good profile gives you a real window into who these people are. It typically includes:
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Personal letters written by the prospective parents, addressed directly to you and your baby. These letters give you a sense of their personalities, their values, and why they want to adopt.
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Photos of their home, their daily life, extended family, pets, and the kinds of activities they enjoy.
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Background information about their jobs, their community, their faith (if applicable), and how they spend their time.
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Their vision for your child’s upbringing — the values they want to pass on, the experiences they want to give, the kind of home they’re creating.
Reading a profile is a deeply personal experience. Some women know quickly when a family feels right. Others take more time, reading and rereading, sitting with their feelings before deciding. Both are completely normal.
Every family in the Open Arms network has already been through a thorough vetting process — including a home study conducted by our own licensed social workers. So when you’re reviewing profiles, you’re starting from a foundation of families who have already been evaluated for stability, safety, and readiness.
What to Look For
There is no universal checklist for the “perfect” family, because the right family for your baby is the one that feels right to you. That said, here are some things worth reflecting on as you review profiles.
Do they feel genuine? Some profiles are polished to the point of feeling like a brochure. Others feel warm and real and a little imperfect. Pay attention to which ones feel authentic to you. A letter that reads like it was written by a real person — not a publicist — usually is.
Do their values align with what matters to you? Think about what you want for your child. Do you want them raised in a faith tradition? In a home with lots of outdoor activity? In a neighborhood with a strong community? Near extended family? There’s no wrong answer — but knowing what matters to you helps you recognize it when you see it in a profile.
How do they talk about you? A family’s profile can tell you a lot about how they view birth mothers. Families who express genuine respect and gratitude — who acknowledge the courage it takes to make an adoption plan — tend to approach the relationship with openness and care. Families whose letters are entirely focused on themselves, without acknowledging your role, may be worth noting.
What does their support system look like? A child thrives with more than just two parents. Does this family have grandparents nearby? Aunts and uncles? Close friends who are already part of their lives? The presence of a loving, stable support network matters.
How do they describe their home and lifestyle? You don’t have to imagine your child in a mansion to feel good about a family. What matters is stability, warmth, and love. Pay attention to the texture of their everyday life — the small things they describe — more than the big things.
Do they mention openness? If ongoing contact with your child is important to you, look for families whose profiles reflect genuine openness to that relationship. Some families are enthusiastic about open adoption. Others are more reserved. This is worth paying attention to early.
Parenting Style, Family Dynamics, and Where They Live
These three things — how a family parents, how they relate to each other, and where they are — can matter more than almost anything else on paper.
Parenting style shows up in the small details of a profile. Do they describe routines and structure? Do they talk about creativity and exploration? Neither approach is wrong — what matters is whether their style feels like the right environment for your child. Think about the values you most want passed on, and look for families where those values are already visible in how they describe their daily lives.
Family dynamics are often the hardest thing to read in a profile and the most telling. Pay attention to how the family talks about each other — not just the big moments, but the ordinary ones. Warmth, humor, the way they describe getting through hard times together. A family that communicates openly and supports each other in the day-to-day is one where your child is likely to feel safe and seen.
Location and lifestyle are worth factoring in, especially if you have preferences about the kind of community your child grows up in — urban or rural, close-knit or diverse, near mountains or near the coast. If you’re hoping for in-person visits as part of an open adoption arrangement, geography may matter practically as well. You get to weigh all of this. There’s no right answer.
Questions to Ask Yourself
As you review profiles, these reflection questions can help you get clarity on what you’re looking for and how you’re responding to what you’re reading.
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When I imagine my child at five years old, what do I picture their life looking like?
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What values do I most want my child to be raised with?
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How important is it to me that my child grow up near extended family?
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Do I want ongoing contact with my child? If so, what does that look like in my ideal scenario?
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When I read this profile, do I feel a sense of peace — or does something feel off?
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Can I picture myself trusting this family with my child?
You don’t have to answer all of these before you start reviewing profiles. Sometimes the answers become clearer as you’re reading.
What About Meeting the Family?
Many expectant mothers choose to meet prospective adoptive families before making a final decision. This is completely your choice — and if it’s something you want, Open Arms fully supports it.
Meeting a family can look like a video call, a phone conversation, or even an in-person meeting. It gives you a chance to ask questions directly, get a feel for their personalities in real time, and see whether the connection you felt reading their profile translates to an actual interaction.
Some questions women ask when meeting a prospective family:
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What made you decide to adopt?
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How do you plan to talk to my child about adoption as they grow up?
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What does ongoing contact look like to you?
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What does your extended family think about adoption?
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What does a typical weekend look like in your home?
There are no wrong questions. And a family that welcomes your questions openly — without getting defensive or evasive — is usually a good sign.
Open Adoption: Staying Connected to Your Child
If the idea of placing your baby and never knowing how they’re doing feels impossible to you, you are not alone. This is one of the most common fears expectant mothers carry — and it’s one of the most important things to understand about modern adoption.
The majority of adoptions today are open adoptions. That means there is ongoing contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family after placement. What that contact looks like is something you and the family agree on together. It might be:
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Regular photos and letters from the family
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Video calls a few times a year
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In-person visits on birthdays or holidays
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A combination of all of the above
The level of openness is something you discuss and agree upon during the adoption planning process. It becomes part of your adoption plan. And the families who come to Open Arms are prepared for and open to these conversations.
Research supports what many birth mothers already feel intuitively: open adoption tends to be better for everyone involved. Children in open adoptions often develop a stronger sense of identity. Birth mothers frequently report greater peace of mind. And adoptive families feel more secure in their relationships when there’s nothing hidden or unspoken. If staying connected to your child matters to you, let that guide your family selection from the beginning.
What If I Can’t Decide?
It’s okay if you review several profiles and don’t feel certain right away. This is one of the most significant decisions you’ll ever make, and it deserves the time it takes.
A few things that can help when you feel stuck:
Trust your gut, even when you can’t articulate it. Sometimes women describe a feeling of just knowing when they’ve found the right family — something that’s hard to put into words but feels unmistakably real. That instinct matters.
Talk it through. Your counselor at Open Arms is here for exactly this. If you’re torn between two families, or if something about a profile is giving you pause but you can’t name why, talking it out loud can bring clarity.
Take more time. There is no deadline on this decision. If you need to sit with a profile for a week before you know how you feel, do that. If you want to read twenty more profiles before narrowing it down, that’s okay too.
Remember that the right family is out there. The families who work with Open Arms have gone through a thorough vetting process — including a home study conducted by our own licensed social workers. Every family in our network has been evaluated for stability, care, and readiness. You are choosing from a pool of families who have already demonstrated they are prepared for this responsibility.
How Open Arms Supports You Through This Process
At Open Arms, family selection isn’t something that happens to you — it’s something you lead. Our team walks beside you through every part of the process, including reviewing profiles, asking questions, and, when you’re ready, meeting the family you’re considering.
Everyone on our team has a personal connection to adoption. When we talk with you about choosing a family, we’re not reading from a manual. We’re drawing on real experience — the kind that makes us genuinely understand what this decision feels like from the inside.
Our licensed social workers conduct all home studies in-house across Washington and Arizona. That means when you choose a family from our network, you’re choosing a family whose home, lifestyle, and readiness has been evaluated by people who work directly with us — not outsourced to a third party.
We’re also here for you after placement. The relationship doesn’t end when your baby goes home with the family you chose. We remain a source of support, and we’re committed to honoring whatever ongoing contact arrangement you’ve established.
You Are in Control
If there’s one thing to take away from this post, it’s this: the decision of who raises your child belongs to you.
Not to us. Not to the adoptive family. Not to anyone else.
You will look at real families, read their real stories, and make a real choice — one grounded in your values, your instincts, and your love for your child. That is not a small thing. It is one of the most profound acts of intentional parenting.
When you’re ready to start looking at profiles — or even just to ask questions about what that process looks like — we’re here.
Let’s Talk
Call or text us anytime at 206.492.4196. We’re available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Or visit our Choosing a Family page to learn more about how the family selection process works at Open Arms.
You deserve to feel confident in this decision. We’re here to help you get there.
Open Arms Adoption Agency is a licensed private adoption agency serving expectant mothers in Washington and Arizona. Our services are always free for birth mothers. 206.492.4196 — available 24/7.
