If you’ve heard the phrase “open adoption” and felt a mix of hope and confusion, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most misunderstood parts of the adoption process—and the misunderstandings can make an already overwhelming decision feel even harder.
Here’s what we know at Open Arms: most of the fear around open adoption comes from outdated information or worst-case scenarios that rarely reflect reality. The truth about open adoption is actually a lot more empowering than most people realize—especially for you.
This post will walk through the most common myths about open adoption and replace them with honest, straightforward answers. Because when you have accurate information, you’re in a much better position to make the decision that’s right for you and your baby.
First, What Does “Open Adoption” Actually Mean?
Open adoption simply means that there is some level of ongoing contact or communication between you—the birth mother—and the adoptive family after placement. That contact can take many forms: letters, photos, emails, video calls, or in-person visits. It can happen a few times a year or more frequently. It can evolve over time as your relationship grows.
The key thing to understand is this: you define what “open” means for your adoption. There is no single template. The level of openness is something you and the adoptive family agree on together, based on what feels right for everyone—especially you.
Open adoption exists on a spectrum:
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Fully open adoption: Regular contact, including in-person visits. You may know the family personally before placement and maintain an ongoing relationship as your child grows.
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Semi-open adoption: Communication happens, but typically through the adoption agency as an intermediary. This often includes letters and photos on a schedule both parties agree to.
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Closed adoption: No ongoing contact or identifying information is shared. This is much less common today than it was decades ago, but it remains an option for birth mothers who prefer it.
Most adoptions today fall somewhere in the middle—semi-open or open arrangements that allow birth mothers to have some peace of mind about how their child is doing, without requiring more involvement than feels comfortable.
The Myths (And What’s Actually True)
Myth #1: Open Adoption Means You’ll Always Be in Your Child’s Life as a Parent
The reality: Open adoption does not create a co-parenting arrangement. When you place your baby for adoption, the adoptive parents become your child’s legal parents. That doesn’t change with open adoption.
What open adoption does create is the possibility of a meaningful connection—a relationship built on honesty and love—without blurring the parenting roles. Many birth mothers describe this as a profound kind of peace: knowing their child is thriving, seeing photos of milestones, and occasionally hearing that their child is loved and cared for.
Open adoption is not about raising your child from a distance. It’s about staying connected in a way that works for everyone involved.
Myth #2: The Adoptive Family Controls the Relationship
The reality: You have significant say in how the relationship is structured—and that starts before you ever sign anything.
When you work with Open Arms, you have the opportunity to review prospective adoptive families and choose the one that feels right to you. Part of that process includes discussing expectations around openness. What does ongoing contact look like to them? What are they comfortable with? What do you need?
The terms of your open adoption arrangement are agreed to by both parties. While open adoption agreements vary in their legal enforceability by state, reputable adoption agencies like Open Arms work to match birth mothers with families who are genuinely committed to honoring the relationship they agreed to.
You are not at the mercy of whatever the adoptive family decides. This is a conversation—one where your voice matters from the very beginning.
Myth #3: Open Adoption Will Make It Harder to Heal
The reality: Research consistently shows that birth mothers in open adoption arrangements often experience less grief and anxiety than those in closed adoptions—not more.
One of the most painful parts of placing a child for adoption is not knowing. Is my baby okay? Does he know I love him? Is she growing up in a home where she feels safe and wanted? Open adoption can answer those questions. It can replace uncertainty with reassurance.
That said, everyone’s emotional journey is different. Some birth mothers find that limited contact helps them heal. Others find that staying connected is what makes peace possible. There’s no right answer—only the answer that’s right for you.
What matters is that you make this decision based on your own emotional needs, not on a myth that more contact automatically means more pain.
Myth #4: Open Adoption Is a New or Unusual Thing
The reality: Open adoption has been the norm in the United States for several decades. The shift away from closed, secretive adoptions began in the 1970s and 1980s, driven largely by research showing better outcomes for all three members of the adoption triad: birth mothers, adoptive parents, and adoptees.
Today, the majority of domestic infant adoptions include some level of openness. It’s not an experiment or a trend—it’s a well-established approach with decades of evidence behind it.
What has changed over time is how flexible and personalized open adoption arrangements have become. The days of rigid, one-size-fits-all contact schedules are largely behind us. Modern open adoption is built around what actually works for the people involved.
Myth #5: You Have to Decide on Open Adoption Right Away
The reality: The conversation about openness happens as part of your adoption planning process—not as a condition of even exploring adoption.
When you first reach out to Open Arms, you’re not committing to anything. You’re just getting information. The question of how open your adoption will be is one you’ll work through over time, with support, as you learn more about your options and meet prospective families.
You can change your mind during this process. You can revise your preferences. You can ask questions. The level of openness you agree to is not set in stone the moment you walk through the door—it develops through honest conversation.
And during the legal revocation period after placement, you retain rights that protect you. Your Rights as a Birth Mother covers this in full detail.
Myth #6: Adoptive Families Resent Open Adoption
The reality: Families who work with Open Arms actively choose open adoption. They understand that their child will one day have questions about identity, heritage, and the story of how they came to their family. Open adoption helps answer those questions in the most loving way possible.
Most adoptive families are deeply grateful for the connection open adoption creates. They are raising a child who has two groups of people who love them. That’s not a complication—it’s a gift.
Families who are resistant to openness tend to self-select out of the process or opt for different kinds of arrangements. The families you’ll meet through Open Arms are people who embrace what open adoption really means.
Myth #7: Open Adoption Is Legally Binding and Complicated
The reality: Open adoption agreements are typically not legally binding contracts in Washington and Arizona—they are good-faith agreements between families. That means the relationship depends more on mutual respect and commitment than on legal enforcement.
This can sound scary if you’re worried an adoptive family won’t follow through. But here’s the other side of that coin: it also means you’re not locked into a formal arrangement that doesn’t work for you. Relationships evolve. Communication styles change. Life circumstances shift. Open adoption is flexible by design.
Open Arms works hard to match birth mothers with families who are genuinely committed to the kind of relationship they’ve agreed to—not because they’re legally required to be, but because they believe it’s the right thing to do for their child.
What Open Adoption Looks Like in Real Life
Open adoption doesn’t look like one thing. Here are some examples of what birth mothers in open adoption arrangements actually experience:
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Receiving photos and updates two or three times a year, often around the child’s birthday
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Exchanging letters or emails that the child can read someday when they’re old enough
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Video calls a few times a year, especially as the child gets older and is curious about their story
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Occasional in-person visits—sometimes at family-friendly events, sometimes at the adoptive family’s home
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A warm, evolving relationship that starts with letters and grows into something more personal over time
None of these requires you to be a constant presence in your child’s day-to-day life. They simply keep a thread of connection alive—for your peace of mind, and for your child’s sense of identity.
You Get to Decide What “Open” Means for You
This is the most important thing we want you to take away from this post: open adoption is not something that happens to you. It’s something you help shape.
At Open Arms, we believe that you are in control of this process. That includes how you want your relationship with your child’s adoptive family to look. We’ll walk through your options with you, answer your questions honestly, and help you find a family that genuinely aligns with your wishes.
You don’t have to have it all figured out before you reach out. You just have to take one step.
How Open Arms Approaches Open Adoption
Our staff includes people who have personal experience with adoption—as birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. We’re not reading from a script. We’ve lived pieces of this story ourselves, and that shapes how we work with every woman who comes to us.
When we talk about open adoption with you, we’re not selling you on a particular arrangement. We’re listening to what you need, explaining your options clearly, and helping you think through what feels right—without pressure, without judgment, and without rushing you toward any decision.
We serve expectant mothers throughout Washington and Arizona, and our licensed social workers are with you at every step of the process—including the conversations about openness that can feel the most complicated.
Open adoption can be a beautiful thing. It can also feel uncertain and scary when you’re looking at it from a distance. We’ve found that the women who talk it through with someone who truly understands almost always leave that conversation feeling less afraid—and more in control.
Ready to Learn More?
If you’re curious about open adoption, or about adoption in general, we’d love to talk with you. There’s no commitment, no pressure, and no judgment—just honest information from people who care.
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Call or text us anytime at 206.492.4196. We’re available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week—because we know important questions can come up anytime.
You’re not alone in this. And whatever you decide, we’re here to support you.
